Hi Everyone, good evening….
Everyone seems happy to see that Spring is bringing to us once again, the newness of life, and I’m happy to be a part of your evening thus far. It’s a happy night and ask you to listen closely to a mother’s experience regarding addiction. I’m sure many of you know first hand, or know of someone who has had to endure what I’m about to discuss with you. I am hopeful with God’s Grace, all can experience the joyous ending.
I decided since we are all children of God, that I would speak briefly in a “show and tell” fashion. I have with me three items, …. A Candle…. We are all aware of it’s significance and what happens to it when it is lit…. the second is a Cup…. Yes we drink from it and it is used in many a way, to hold liquids, which might be coffee, tea or milk, and then too the blessed sacrament which we receive in the Eucharistic Blessing every time we gather as a family. And thirdly, a book… from which we garner all the treasures, hopes and dreams and run off into fantasy land. My book, which I hold here, is the Good News…. The Holy Bible, and I confess I don’t pick it up enough!
I’ll begin with the Candle as it is the most symbolic…to me… for my journey…and I’ll read something later I wrote, when at my deepest sadness, in the addiction phases my son had to endure to bring about both his salvation and my own.
I, was once strong and prideful in having two beautiful children, beautiful blond, intelligent human beings that I counted my blessings. I was filled with pride that I had accomplished the raising of these children on my own, and like all parents, took great pride in their endeavors. Little did I know the forces of evil that fell just as the dewdrops upon the water, rippling the venomous tentacles of self-destruction. Addiction to alcohol. The cry of help that begins with a telephone call … can you bail me out… I’m in jail…
Well why are you in jail???? The response. Well I was behind in support payments for my son… and whatever the excuse may have been…. So Bill and I look at each other… how do we do this on a Sunday evening with no banks open….Panic, of course sets in, and you vow you’ll never do this again… repeatedly, and repeatedly as you clean up the remnants of someone’s life, the debris, the bottles … the many hotel and motel rooms, and ultimately bringing him home to care for him in his steadfast promises to stop and to get better, and the threats of suicide, the hospitalizations, the talks with psychiatrists, the medical doctors, and ultimately the Psychiatric hospital…then the bouts in the courtrooms of various municipalities for the verbal outbursts toward others… always praying, Lord please help us! Always there with my crocheting, bearing witness to those in authority that someone loved him, and he was worth fighting for… believe me they were aware of my existence, so much so as to approach me and ask me what I was doing there…...but no, I’ll never do this again…. was my response… still prideful and very embarrassed, and ashamed for having failed… I couldn’t possibly let them know, my
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family and friends.. and my church family least of all…..the sleeplessness the worry , the suicide watch continued for many months, until you say… okay you’re out on your own, can’t do it anymore. Without Bill’s help and assurances and love for my son and for me, my child would have died. I mumbled the 23rd Psalm more times than I can attest to…. If the Lord was my shepherd and I shall not want, why can’t I find those green pastures, why isn’t he restoring my soul… where’s he leading me…all I do is walk in the shadow of death and am so afraid…afraid of the evil…. finally I would get to the end of the Psalm and realize it’s all here in my bible,… there are no books out there to search for the end of addiction, there are no doctors or psychiatrists who can help you, there is but one thing, and cling to it…. Your bible.
Bye…but the heart aches as you still wonder and watch for just one word that the loved one is okay… by that standard, I mean just okay. Doctors and medicines are not the focus of attention, now, LIFE IS.! In deepest despair, I wrote the following:
June Gregory says:
I am the glass of melted wax, once strong in stature and resolve, and spilled not upon the table or the floor… but peeled away layer by layer to reveal only the tender wick that once supported the main. As the melting process begins, with it brings the humility to stoop to the lowest lintel in searching for God’s mercy, for His everlasting kindness and love. The pain brings me to anger, but with it another round of resolve, and yet again another round as contender in the fight to remove the evil that invades my very being. In searching for the mercy and forgiveness, a ray of hope and tears of joy are a brief respite from the warfare within my heart. Am I forever to exist in the pain that love brings? The melted wax molds me in its own way, and is reshaping humbly the fabric of which I was made. I pray selfishly for one small reminder daily of His love for me. Knowing it is one thing, keeping it everpresent is far more difficult. We CAN stoop far beyond our wildest dreams and at our lowest… reach BELOW for His hand in guidance.
Next the Cup … I prayed for the Lord to remove it from me, take away the pain and the sorrow from me, and from him… but you see the cup is not removed so easily… it took the strength, all I could gather, to finally admit, I could not do this without God. I trusted him finally enough to forward my son, bag and baggage to Florida, … was I getting relieffor myself or help for him?…. I often wonder. I sent him to an organization well
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versed n this sort of behavior, ultimately diagnosed as Bi-Polar with addictions, for there my son was willing to go anew to straighten out the demons in his soul. He was evicted under the guise of addiction (which for once was not the case). They retained his belongings and all means of aid, telephoned me for additional monies at 1 a.m. ..and they would let him back in. I said I didn’t have it, hence they deposited him into the streets to fend for himself without money or cellphone, retaining his medicines and clothing. Unreturnable unless he arrived with $300 to pay for the last week of his stay in the facility, of which we later learned they were indicted on extortion charges. (They had previously been paid for a month in advance).
I gave him over to God’s trusting grace and care. Time passed, not knowing his whereabouts nor even if he was alive, upon which I received ultimately the following email…..
you
can't plan your homelessness, it all
happened by chance with absolutely no other explaination other than it being
divine. Love, your Son. He only made me ride 25 miles on my bike
with a flat tire to find The Lord’s Place , or lead me to it is more like it,
and keep me safe when riding through all the "hoods" or ghettos that I
encountered on the way....in the rain no less...maybe His tears? was the
guy who offered to help fix my bike tire that day an angel, checking up on
me...that day was July 14th
2008. The night before I
slept homeless under a statue of Mary at Saint Joan of Arc church in Boca Raton...a funny thing, the sprinkler system woke me up July
14th. I started the day off wet .God is great. I see it as being baptized in the
faith.
p.s also next week getting sinus
infection looked at, antibiotics, x-ray and maybe MRI since
I’ve had it so long. Maybe I've gotten smart because of an abcess on my
brain, and because of it, other parts of my brain have gotten
stronger to take up the slack of damaged tissue. tell Pastor Mary I said
hi and share with her this incredible journey or trek of mine...miss you guys..
Today he is enrolled at a college in Palm Beach, maintaining a 4.0 GPA, toward a degree as Medical Assistant and is expected to be the highest ever graduated from the college. He has received scholarships for continued education toward a medical school which is a long way down the road, but he has been rehabilitated and works with the homeless in the shelter God revealed to him. and the Cup has passed. Our gracious Lord had in His mercy seen fit to remove both Cups, but would not remove my sons’ without first removing mine. I was the catalyst towards renewal…I ask only that you please pray for him, and the addicted and homeless, they are no different than we…. my cup runneth over… surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Amen….
June Gregory
March 11, 2009